Realize

I didn't realize it at the time, but my Big Brother taught be a very valuable lesson.
I remember the day that I was confirmed into the Catholic Faith. I cant say to this day that I made a very wise choice because I'm so lost about my faith right now. I love how the day of my accident everyone was so nice, so caring.. and one of my friends from a very long time ago, probably when I was a Junior in high school texted me saying that he hoped that I was doing okay and that he'd pray for me.

Who does that? Especially in this age of sex and drinking. Who remembers God anymore? I'm not saying that it was a bad thing that he cared enough for him to pray for me but I haven't heard that phrase in such a long time. "I'll pray for you." Think about it.

Anyway back to Confirmation. For my confirmation present, he gave me this little quote thing that was framed and all from Hallmark. The quotation reads "In the seed is an apple you cant yet see." and there's the word HOPE all around it on the borders. I love how it fit so much at the time he gave this to me. Guess what I'm trying to say that the lesson he was trying to get at me was that not to give up hope. Because everything starts out small and will grow into something big later on.

The months leading up to my Confirmation were the hardest yet. I don't remember what exactly happened to me, but I was struggling. I was SO SO SO depressed. I don't know why. I just know I was so unhappy. I don't even remember getting out of it. I just know that BB was sad and that he needed me there. I guess you can say it distracted me but it was a good distraction because I never went back.

Though I'm not sucked into depression. I still need his guidance. He helped me so much and now, I just don't know what to do. I know I need to change for the better. I've been living like a ZOMBIE for the past couple of months when College started. I'm not trying as hard as I should be. I haven't put in my 110% on my assignments like I've been doing for the past 4 years. I would usually take hours on my hw and now I procrastinate so well that it only takes me 30 ish mintues to do my hw. I would try so hard to earn my grade. It took me forever to do my assignments and some may think I tried so hard for no reason. I don't care. I'm like that. That's me. I try and do my best when I'm doing anything. And lately... I haven't been doing that.

I don't know where my motivation is. My heart is in the wrong places. Well, at least it feels that way. I'm doing so much that I'm doing everything so blindly. I guess I just need time to sort everything out. Christmas break has to come at the most perfectly, absolutely, perfect time ever. Perfect time to reflect and figure out what I'm gonna do with myself. I need to plan my life out. Get a job. And go from there.

On a different note. I was watching Eloise in Christmastime on the Disney channel (instead of doing hw (: ) and its just one of those movies that make you want to have someone to love with you, right there, right then. And I don't know why I feel this way but I must say I am alone. No matter how much my friends can make me smile, I can't shake the fact that I want someone around. Maybe its the fact that I had someone halfway in the semester. But he wasn't that great. He didn't make me happy. If anything he made me miserable, at least when we weren't in public. I hate how when I was with him alone, I was happy and actually felt a little loved. But the moment his friends came into the picture or anything, I was suddenly invisible. That's gotta be the worst feeling ever. To feel invisible to the one you like and could have possibly loved.