Lately

I really wanted to blog the other day but I wasn't able to because I have brothers who, unfortunately, are human as well and DO NOT UNDERSTAND the art of sharing the computer when they have the XBOX to entertain them already.

Anyway. I forgot what was on my mind that day. But I will talk about Tuesday. EPIC I must say. Well, not really but it was fun. A nice day with friends. No hw/family just me and my buddies. Woke up late, ended up going to A's house late..

uhhh well I think I'll finish this later.. I'm talking to my bestie (:

Another Day

First day of our Fall Recess. Thanksgiving Break. Whatever. I'm just thankful that they actually gave us a week off (:
I woke up late to our Stats group project sesh. GREAT.
I was 45 minutes late and we didn't really accomplish anything in the hour and a half we were together apparently. We gathered our data. Got the mean, median, and mode. Then we attempted to do more but we got confused and it just got really complicated.

Honestly, I cant think at all right now. I'm super tired because I stayed up so late last night (2 AM?)We're at It's A Grind. The smell of coffee should be giving me a boost but its failing. Horribly.The fact that I'm on break is totally getting into my head. I am not in school mood at all. But then again, I don't think I ever was. I never want to do my homework (who does anyway?). This year is not a good year, academically that is. I am SO SO brain dead. I just want to go get lunch and go somewhere and get my Critical Thinking paper done.

I love how our paper's topic is GAY MARRIAGE. Its a broad enough subject to write about.. Just very controversial. Oh well. Let's hope I write a good enough paper yeah?

Well I've been sitting here Facebooking it and blogging (obviously). I'm starving and D needs to give me the numbers for stats so I can do after I eat (yeah right).
Okay so I stole the data from D. LOL I GOT MY NUMBERS!

I'm so bored. Someone needs to save me.

It Ends

So Friday night, I couldn't handle it. Its been way too long. Too long have I felt rejected, ignored. I HAD to find the answer.
It's a shame that I was right.

I asked : "Whats happening to us?"
Him: "IDK"
at this moment, I had my answer but I wanted to know why.
He didnt want a relationship right now. (like I couldnt tell)
He wants to be friends. I told him " You havent even treated me as a friend"
Seriously. He could've at least been nice when we were together. So many things could've been handled differently.

Because I'm 99% Human, I cried. OH DID I CRY. I went for a walk. I texted the A's, then the D's, then the P. Then the girls. I came back from my walk and IMMDEDIATELY changed my relationship status on Facebook. I cant STAND the relationship status thing. I dont know why I bother changing it and stuff.

Its amazing how I saw this coming. It wasnt a hard of a hit as I thought it would be. But when you look back, I prepared already. I was already eating emotionally. I was crying. I kicked and screamed. I vented. Road raged. Punched.Screamed all over campus. It was all happening... the only thing that didnt happen was the actual BREAKUP.

I basically dont know how to feel now. Im neither sad, nor happy. What to feel.. what to feel.

:/

The Reason

Long time no blog. In the back of my mind I always think whether or not I should. Why do I even bother THINKING TO? It should be like.. default. I cant write as much in my journal cuz it hurts my hand anyway. Why do i even bother with a journal? I talk to much as it is. Imagine writing out all your feelings when you can simply, TYPE THEM. Yes, I think that I will def blog more. I just have so much to say.. what better way than to.. EXPRESS THEM as I please?

I win.

What if..

I just disappeared?

Poof!

vanish just like that?
who'd look for me..?
who'd care enough?

RAGE

So today was a terrible day. I was quite on the rage. As of now I'm okay (:
but earlier... I was on the road to kill! It was really bad.
okay. now im back to being mad. mad isnt the right word for it. just frustrated.

its like he dont know how to love me. how to make me happy.
a text every now and then?
go out of your way to see me?
do cutesy things for me?
ANYTHING?

I feel as though im over reacting. I can't help it. I just want something from him to make me feel like I'm his girl. Why do I even need anything to make me feel that way? Shouldn't that just be default?

Freshman Year so far..

i think this is good... keeping a blog. i guess?
I was never able to keep up a blog like this.. ever! so we'll see how this goes.
I'll still keep my own personal journal of course (: who knows.. something might come up and i need to vent.. and write out my feelings.. i've noticed that i've been super sensitive lately..

well its 2:30 am and i have decided to write about my first year in college so far.
CLASS SUCKS. obviously. Connelly did not help at all. It's pretty sad that Connelly didnt help because i had such a hard time there ): College courses are okay... im not passing with flying colors.. but im not failing with a a grade of Z or something super low!
i cant really say that im experiencing the COLLEGE EXPERIENCE. I honestly don't know what that means. What EXACTLY is the COLLEGE EXPERIENCE? No one really told me that. But then again.. I never really had the HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE. I guess special people got to have that. With my parents, you get nowhere. For real. I am 18 years old and I am stuck at home ALL THE TIME. okay.. I lied. not all the time..

I've been out til 11. But only til 11! Well.. there was Knott's Scary Farm but that doesn't count!

I swear im a prisioner in my own damn home. I can't go out. I can't study. I cant DO ANYTHING!

Perhaps that is the source of my anger/depression. The fact that I can't do anything! I've been missin out on so many events... its like I don't even exist because I'm not out there.

I feel better already. It's out in the open. I FEEL LIKE I DONT EXIST.
Well, time to close up. I've wasted 10 min of my life blogging.. lol
time to do some homework xD

Yesterday

So I saw an old friend. Boy was I shocked! Haven’t seen him since.. JUNIOR YEAR. Been a long time. I missed him so much. I’m not even sure of what to say.. he DISAPPEARED from my life completely. Sure, he was busy. But so busy as to forget all about me? He was my big brother. My “Oppa”. He helped me to learn to cope and guided me through life. I looked up to him so much. I listened to him. I helped him (to the best of my ability). I never once judged him. And yet he left me.. BAM! just like that.

I don’t know what happened but he became harsh and didnt really care anymore. I would try to talk to him… he just didnt have the time anymore. He could care less about how my day went. And as the months went by.. we eventually stopped any contact at all.

Looking back now.. it seems like he helped me to deal.. so that in the end.. after I was emotionally stable and all he would be able to leave me and I would be fine. WRONG. I was not fine. Sure, I didnt cry a river or cry myself to sleep about it anymore.. But i was still hurt. He could’ve told me something.

oh well. the past is the past. I just hope that in the future.. we become friends again…