Its Thursday

If you didn't know already.
I think I may be falling for him.
Uh oh.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way about me though :/
It's frustrating because I can't get him outta my head.

Finals: Day 2

These are stressful times for everyone. Even for me. Look at my schedule and you may think that I've got it easy. Trust me. I'm in the same amount of pressure as you are my dears.

Post final 1

I basically failed.
The end.

Finals: Day 1

Its 10 o'clock and I still havent finished my notecard for my Stats final. I just thought I'd share some thoughts before I actually cracked down to do it but looking at the time, I realize that i should start. NOW. I will share today's thoughts later.. after I finish my final. After I finish one of my music papers.. and start on my outline thingy.. (more like find the article first... and after I finish workin' on my scarf. It's turning out GREAT. its cute! For a white scarf at least.

Til' my return!
May the force be with you.

Realize

I didn't realize it at the time, but my Big Brother taught be a very valuable lesson.
I remember the day that I was confirmed into the Catholic Faith. I cant say to this day that I made a very wise choice because I'm so lost about my faith right now. I love how the day of my accident everyone was so nice, so caring.. and one of my friends from a very long time ago, probably when I was a Junior in high school texted me saying that he hoped that I was doing okay and that he'd pray for me.

Who does that? Especially in this age of sex and drinking. Who remembers God anymore? I'm not saying that it was a bad thing that he cared enough for him to pray for me but I haven't heard that phrase in such a long time. "I'll pray for you." Think about it.

Anyway back to Confirmation. For my confirmation present, he gave me this little quote thing that was framed and all from Hallmark. The quotation reads "In the seed is an apple you cant yet see." and there's the word HOPE all around it on the borders. I love how it fit so much at the time he gave this to me. Guess what I'm trying to say that the lesson he was trying to get at me was that not to give up hope. Because everything starts out small and will grow into something big later on.

The months leading up to my Confirmation were the hardest yet. I don't remember what exactly happened to me, but I was struggling. I was SO SO SO depressed. I don't know why. I just know I was so unhappy. I don't even remember getting out of it. I just know that BB was sad and that he needed me there. I guess you can say it distracted me but it was a good distraction because I never went back.

Though I'm not sucked into depression. I still need his guidance. He helped me so much and now, I just don't know what to do. I know I need to change for the better. I've been living like a ZOMBIE for the past couple of months when College started. I'm not trying as hard as I should be. I haven't put in my 110% on my assignments like I've been doing for the past 4 years. I would usually take hours on my hw and now I procrastinate so well that it only takes me 30 ish mintues to do my hw. I would try so hard to earn my grade. It took me forever to do my assignments and some may think I tried so hard for no reason. I don't care. I'm like that. That's me. I try and do my best when I'm doing anything. And lately... I haven't been doing that.

I don't know where my motivation is. My heart is in the wrong places. Well, at least it feels that way. I'm doing so much that I'm doing everything so blindly. I guess I just need time to sort everything out. Christmas break has to come at the most perfectly, absolutely, perfect time ever. Perfect time to reflect and figure out what I'm gonna do with myself. I need to plan my life out. Get a job. And go from there.

On a different note. I was watching Eloise in Christmastime on the Disney channel (instead of doing hw (: ) and its just one of those movies that make you want to have someone to love with you, right there, right then. And I don't know why I feel this way but I must say I am alone. No matter how much my friends can make me smile, I can't shake the fact that I want someone around. Maybe its the fact that I had someone halfway in the semester. But he wasn't that great. He didn't make me happy. If anything he made me miserable, at least when we weren't in public. I hate how when I was with him alone, I was happy and actually felt a little loved. But the moment his friends came into the picture or anything, I was suddenly invisible. That's gotta be the worst feeling ever. To feel invisible to the one you like and could have possibly loved.

Project Change. (yesterday's post that i never got to finish..)

Another Saturday. Slept super early. 12 hours of sleep.
I got lectured by my father today. I guess I needed it badly. It made me cry.
I needed to cry. Man, I sound so choppy today. My fingers are fairly frozen and my mind is everywhere. I need to Study. I REALLY NEED TO STUDY. But my mind.. is elsewhere right now. I'm not in the right state of mind to study. Even though I really need to. I could just go over my notes and be done with it, but no. I'm rewriting my notes, redoing my hw, looking over past exams and quizes, going through the book. I need to PASS WITH AT LEAST A C or B. I love how I put C first. I'm not exactly expecting to do EXTRAORDINARILY well on my Stats exam.
Anyway, back to the lecture. I cant pick out exactly what he said. But he said I needed to change. I know it. I've just been avoiding the house. I admit it. I don't know what I do there half the time either. I could very well go home. He provides.

So they're not fixing my car until I change. Well.. they're fixing the car but I have to change. I can tell you all that I HAVE changed.

The Worst Week EVER..

Its been a whole week. A WHOLE FREAKING WEEK. I must've done something wrong for me to get all this bad luck. I swear. The best day that I can think of is Tuesday Night when me and Drew stayed in the TSU and worked on stuff til like 1:30.

There were a lot of distractions that night. I really couldn't/didn't get anything done that night, but likewise, it was a very good night to spend with my best friend :D I don't really remember what happened on Monday but I know that on WEDNESDAY. I got in my first car accident.. EVER. I was my fault of course, I wasnt tired. I guess, I was lost in thoughts. I was afraid this was gonna happen some day. I'd be so lost in my thoughts that I wouldn't be able to drive safely. I should've waited.. cried it out or something. I am under so much pressure, its ridiculous.

Bun's in the Oven

NOT TALKING ABOUT ME of course! Its my baby girl Claire . She's having a baby girl of her own soon. February is the month when she's due.
INTENSE. The baby shower is taking place sometime in Dec. Time to catch up and to help C out a little with the financial deal. I was so excited when I got the invite, I think i literally jumped up when I saw the invite on Facebook. I would be excited about that huh? I have too much to do and too little time to do it ):

As of now I am deciding whether or not to go to the VSA meeting.. or to go to Taco Tuesday with the boys. Then there's hiphop class today and I don't know if I wanna go. I love it. But today I'm just not feeling it. ): it SUCKS a lot. I came to the TSU to study and I ended up going on Facebook and Twitter the whole time. I fail at life. I cannot concentrate. UGh I hate this. Obviously I can't concentrate.. ever.

Lately pt 2

So continuing with Tuesday... I got to A’s house late. I was supposed to be there at 7am but I ended up getting there around 11? 11:30 He wasn’t even ready when I got there! I thought we were going to go right when I got there! He said we’d get a bite to eat and then off to UCI we go! Naw he was still in his jammies.. PLAYING WARCRAFT 3! Haha I thought it was pretty cute. He said he just started. Only I would say that someone playing WC3 is cute. Hahah what can I say? I grew up playing it! I’m a Gamer Girl (: I’m just not very good at games unfortunately. It’s not like I have time to PRACTICE my skills like everyone else does, nor does it come naturally (yes, I have to practice to get better at things).

Then well I ended up watching him play WC3. The sad part was.. well he was playing Campaign mode and I’ve already played it so I know the story line. It’s so funny cuz I play with cheats so that things will go faster (I like the story behind the game) and there he was.. without cheats. LOL it took forever for him to finish one quest! Then I noticed that he had just installed it and I was like LETS HAVE A LAN PARTY!! I HAVE MY LAPTOP! And he was like GO GET IT! Hahha so after 30 or so min of watching him, I ended up installing WC3 onto my laptop.

Then I spent the next 30 min playing myself and I had to force him to get ready. He still had to shower and stuff. After he was all done, his mom came home and asked us to stop by Costco for her. YAY for lagging. She needed us to get napkins and pie. We ended up getting lunch there and A was so surprised that lunch was only THREE DOLLARS. Haha yes A, Costco is that cheap and GOOD too!

Finally after dropping the stuff off at his house, we were finally on our way to UCI and it was around 2? LOL if I hadn’t slept in we’d probably be there around noon. Oh well. I still got to visit H Dizzle and Rayray. So it’s all good. It’s funny how Rayray lives in MIDDLE EARTH. Way to go UCI Housing. Name the area after a Lord of the Rings place why don’t you? GOD THATS HILARIOUS. The embarrassing part is that I think I would have liked to live in Middle Earth. 1. I am a LOTR fan! 2. Uhhh I’m amused by its name 3. It’s HELLA FUNNY. The only downside of living there is that there’s weird people.. I can see why. I mean.. MIDDLE EARTH thats just screaming out to the geeks/nerds/losers to live there. Haha no offense to me or to LOTR fans it just that some things like that attract weird people. I AM NOT one of those weird people... I’m quite sure of it.

Anyway.. well we had to cut our UCI trip short because David needed us to watch Willy while he was at the doctors. So we picked Willy up and we went to Aaron’s house. Chilled there for a bit. We must’ve been driving around a lot because by the time we got to A’s house, it was almost time to go already. Then it was decided for us to meet at Drew’s house. It was quite sad because Drew’s mom was getting mad that he was going out again. OH well.

Thank God he rode with me on the way to the game. I would’ve died in traffic! We had dinner at Rubio’s because it was TACO TUESDAY! (: haha the people spelled my name right this time! HELL YEAH! I love Rubio’s. I don’t know what it is.. but they got me hooked on Rubio’s Fish Tacos!

After dinner, we headed off to the game. IT WAS AN EPIC GAME! 84-73? OR something against New Mexico State. Yeah.. my dad called during the game and basically killed my mood. He was upset that I was at the game because “I wasn’t supposed to be there”. I don’t know why I wasn’t supposed/couldn’t go.. It’s nothing bad. Whatever. IDGAF daddy.. I WENT ANYWAY! I’m a bad girl... lol oh well. For real man.

Lately

I really wanted to blog the other day but I wasn't able to because I have brothers who, unfortunately, are human as well and DO NOT UNDERSTAND the art of sharing the computer when they have the XBOX to entertain them already.

Anyway. I forgot what was on my mind that day. But I will talk about Tuesday. EPIC I must say. Well, not really but it was fun. A nice day with friends. No hw/family just me and my buddies. Woke up late, ended up going to A's house late..

uhhh well I think I'll finish this later.. I'm talking to my bestie (:

Another Day

First day of our Fall Recess. Thanksgiving Break. Whatever. I'm just thankful that they actually gave us a week off (:
I woke up late to our Stats group project sesh. GREAT.
I was 45 minutes late and we didn't really accomplish anything in the hour and a half we were together apparently. We gathered our data. Got the mean, median, and mode. Then we attempted to do more but we got confused and it just got really complicated.

Honestly, I cant think at all right now. I'm super tired because I stayed up so late last night (2 AM?)We're at It's A Grind. The smell of coffee should be giving me a boost but its failing. Horribly.The fact that I'm on break is totally getting into my head. I am not in school mood at all. But then again, I don't think I ever was. I never want to do my homework (who does anyway?). This year is not a good year, academically that is. I am SO SO brain dead. I just want to go get lunch and go somewhere and get my Critical Thinking paper done.

I love how our paper's topic is GAY MARRIAGE. Its a broad enough subject to write about.. Just very controversial. Oh well. Let's hope I write a good enough paper yeah?

Well I've been sitting here Facebooking it and blogging (obviously). I'm starving and D needs to give me the numbers for stats so I can do after I eat (yeah right).
Okay so I stole the data from D. LOL I GOT MY NUMBERS!

I'm so bored. Someone needs to save me.

It Ends

So Friday night, I couldn't handle it. Its been way too long. Too long have I felt rejected, ignored. I HAD to find the answer.
It's a shame that I was right.

I asked : "Whats happening to us?"
Him: "IDK"
at this moment, I had my answer but I wanted to know why.
He didnt want a relationship right now. (like I couldnt tell)
He wants to be friends. I told him " You havent even treated me as a friend"
Seriously. He could've at least been nice when we were together. So many things could've been handled differently.

Because I'm 99% Human, I cried. OH DID I CRY. I went for a walk. I texted the A's, then the D's, then the P. Then the girls. I came back from my walk and IMMDEDIATELY changed my relationship status on Facebook. I cant STAND the relationship status thing. I dont know why I bother changing it and stuff.

Its amazing how I saw this coming. It wasnt a hard of a hit as I thought it would be. But when you look back, I prepared already. I was already eating emotionally. I was crying. I kicked and screamed. I vented. Road raged. Punched.Screamed all over campus. It was all happening... the only thing that didnt happen was the actual BREAKUP.

I basically dont know how to feel now. Im neither sad, nor happy. What to feel.. what to feel.

:/

The Reason

Long time no blog. In the back of my mind I always think whether or not I should. Why do I even bother THINKING TO? It should be like.. default. I cant write as much in my journal cuz it hurts my hand anyway. Why do i even bother with a journal? I talk to much as it is. Imagine writing out all your feelings when you can simply, TYPE THEM. Yes, I think that I will def blog more. I just have so much to say.. what better way than to.. EXPRESS THEM as I please?

I win.

What if..

I just disappeared?

Poof!

vanish just like that?
who'd look for me..?
who'd care enough?

RAGE

So today was a terrible day. I was quite on the rage. As of now I'm okay (:
but earlier... I was on the road to kill! It was really bad.
okay. now im back to being mad. mad isnt the right word for it. just frustrated.

its like he dont know how to love me. how to make me happy.
a text every now and then?
go out of your way to see me?
do cutesy things for me?
ANYTHING?

I feel as though im over reacting. I can't help it. I just want something from him to make me feel like I'm his girl. Why do I even need anything to make me feel that way? Shouldn't that just be default?

Freshman Year so far..

i think this is good... keeping a blog. i guess?
I was never able to keep up a blog like this.. ever! so we'll see how this goes.
I'll still keep my own personal journal of course (: who knows.. something might come up and i need to vent.. and write out my feelings.. i've noticed that i've been super sensitive lately..

well its 2:30 am and i have decided to write about my first year in college so far.
CLASS SUCKS. obviously. Connelly did not help at all. It's pretty sad that Connelly didnt help because i had such a hard time there ): College courses are okay... im not passing with flying colors.. but im not failing with a a grade of Z or something super low!
i cant really say that im experiencing the COLLEGE EXPERIENCE. I honestly don't know what that means. What EXACTLY is the COLLEGE EXPERIENCE? No one really told me that. But then again.. I never really had the HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE. I guess special people got to have that. With my parents, you get nowhere. For real. I am 18 years old and I am stuck at home ALL THE TIME. okay.. I lied. not all the time..

I've been out til 11. But only til 11! Well.. there was Knott's Scary Farm but that doesn't count!

I swear im a prisioner in my own damn home. I can't go out. I can't study. I cant DO ANYTHING!

Perhaps that is the source of my anger/depression. The fact that I can't do anything! I've been missin out on so many events... its like I don't even exist because I'm not out there.

I feel better already. It's out in the open. I FEEL LIKE I DONT EXIST.
Well, time to close up. I've wasted 10 min of my life blogging.. lol
time to do some homework xD

Yesterday

So I saw an old friend. Boy was I shocked! Haven’t seen him since.. JUNIOR YEAR. Been a long time. I missed him so much. I’m not even sure of what to say.. he DISAPPEARED from my life completely. Sure, he was busy. But so busy as to forget all about me? He was my big brother. My “Oppa”. He helped me to learn to cope and guided me through life. I looked up to him so much. I listened to him. I helped him (to the best of my ability). I never once judged him. And yet he left me.. BAM! just like that.

I don’t know what happened but he became harsh and didnt really care anymore. I would try to talk to him… he just didnt have the time anymore. He could care less about how my day went. And as the months went by.. we eventually stopped any contact at all.

Looking back now.. it seems like he helped me to deal.. so that in the end.. after I was emotionally stable and all he would be able to leave me and I would be fine. WRONG. I was not fine. Sure, I didnt cry a river or cry myself to sleep about it anymore.. But i was still hurt. He could’ve told me something.

oh well. the past is the past. I just hope that in the future.. we become friends again…